Chapter 6
Sex 2
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It was advanced communication, it revealed everything about you—it made your heart naked.
It's next-level communication, after all...
I had no idea...
I'm sorry...
Excerpt from My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness by Nagata Kabi
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EDITOR'S NOTE: When I wrote this in 2018, it was important for me to express a lot of extremely specific things about my experiences with sex. I'm happy that I shared for my own benefit, and I hope that other people (particularly trans women) benefited as well. However, in the years since, I've realized that this section was stressing me out and keeping me from sharing this work, and that it was already the least cohesive piece in terms of New Private Window as a whole. So for now, I've decided to remove the "private" sections. Maybe in the future I'll be able to make further work about sex for trans women!
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Okay, ready to talk about sex? I don't know if I have all that much to say, honestly. Probably skip this section unless we're strangers or we're really close. It's less narrative than the others. Also, the temporal tense stuff is all over the place in this section, because I'm still living it. But that's sex, sex is messy, it's a legitimate artistic choice (I'm lazy).
Still here? Okay.
Recently I was talking to my friend Dinah, a nonbinary trans woman. We always talk about relationship stuff, but my mindset has been different lately. For the first time in my life, I honestly feel hot, like someone might really want to have sex with me. Yes, because of my looks, but also because I feel like I have a meaningful sense of self and a connection to my desires and emotions. I ask Dinah to share actual specifics, what they're doing, how it makes them feel, how it plays into their relationships. I think of something, as we're talking.
"I've never really talked to anyone about sex before."
"That sounds hard", Dinah says sweetly.
"It IS!" I say, like the dorky little brat I am.
I haven't had a lot of sex. A handful of times with my long term trans masc enby partner Alex when I was about 20-23 years old. We were together for over 4 years, but—long (long long long long) story short—we were not a good match sexually. That was my only experience having an S/O, and I've never had sex with anyone else.
I can also easily list the people I've kissed. Kiss and Tell.
So far in my life, the most fun, sexy stuff I've experienced has been two times drunk dancing at big gay dance parties. I'd like to make out with more people. I'm not really in a rush to have sex for its own sake, and sex stuff is pretty intimidating to me. I've basically never penetrated anyone with my dick (a tiny bit of oral), and have basically never been penetrated by anyone (a tiny bit of strap-on stuff).
Every now and then I try to figure out my body so that I'll be able to have good sex when I'm with someone. But I just don't really have the latent horniness that I used to. It only sort of pops up in specific situations, or if I'm under the influence of something like alcohol. Even back when I was full of excess testosterone horniness, it was one in a hundred to experience a masturbation sesh that gave me some sort of peek into a feeling of sexual transcendence, of being transportatively overwhelmed with good feelings. Mostly it was an emotionally draining, secret, quiet activity. I accidentally forgot my estradiol on a weeklong trip recently, and I described how I felt towards the end of the week as "horny but in a depression way". Like. I can be horny in a way that makes me want to be alive and connect with people, or I can be horny in a way that makes me want to be left alone to rot in a dungeon--to disappear into some unethical porn rabbit hole and never have to face anyone ever again.
Anyway, I kind of want to have sex, but also... it's kind of like whatever? Sometimes I just want to make art and stuff and don't really care. But I like to have experiences and see how I feel about things and have more ideas bouncing around in my head. So sex is kind of this untapped realm in that regard. And it could probably be really fun under the right circumstances, because I've extremely enjoyed some sex-adjacent experiences.
Um. We'll see?