Chapter 1: The Absence
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I have a physical with a new doctor, a man. My mom is in the room. The appointment proceeds as normal until he says it's time to examine "the family jewels". He says not to worry, and pulls a curtain in front of my mom.
Later in the parking lot, my mom has asked what I think of the new doctor. I start crying when I try to explain how I was surprised and afraid. I'm shocked when my mother seems to understand. She says I don't have to go to that doctor.
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I must be 12 or 13 when I have the sex talk with my dad. We go out for smoothies and he has me read chapters from this sex talk book. After each chapter he asks me if I have any questions. The book describes the basic mechanics of cisheterosexual intercourse. I picture engaging in sex, standing face-to-face with a woman in the bathroom. Apologetically mumbling about how we want to have a child.
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My brother who is 3-4 years older than me, can't stand it anymore. "You should start shaving" he says with a grimace and hands me our dad's old electric shaver. The buzzing sound it makes is mortifying. The thought of someone knowing I was shaving feels like a nightmare.
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I think it's some time during high school. My nipples feel different lately, like there's a little nub underneath each one. Is this normal? What if I'm growing breasts? The thought is exhilarating in the sheer terror it wields. What an absurd notion! How deeply disturbing and shameful it would be, to become an aberration!
Eventually the nubs go away. I am relieved.
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Freshman year of high school, I'm in a painting class. A book about art is being passed around the room for perusal. On one page, there is a nude model facing away from the viewer. I do a nervous double-take when I see a tuft of hair peeking out from between her legs. I had only seen depictions of nude women in olde art... I didn't know women had pubic hair.
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Still freshman year of high school, a friend mentions reading that the thumb section of the palm feels like the scrotum or something like that. Another friend touches their palm and jokes about "public masturbation". I ask, "What's masturbation?" My friends glance at each other and chuckle nervously until one of them says, "It's pleasuring oneself sexually." I don't really understand.
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On the bus back from a track meet, the topic of masturbation comes up—one friend is giving it up for Lent. Another quips, "when the going gets hard, the hard gets going". I don't understand. A group of my classmates, guys and girls, giggle at my innocence. My friend keeps saying, apologetically, "think of a more juvenile meaning for 'hard'". In my mind, "juvenile" suggests a child's interpretation... I can't think of any simpler definitions for "hard" than "difficult" or "solid". People keep laughing uncomfortably as I try to guess and understand.
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I'm in the halls with a group of teammates. There's a big talent show sign-up poster on the walls. I'm pleasantly surprised to see the name of a (short tempered, unpopular) friend on the list, Jeremy Shott. Missing that his last name has been intentionally misspelled as "Shitt", I read aloud the entry. "Name: Jeremy Shott. Talent: being a cunt". I casually ask, "what's a cunt?" Most of the group discretely filters away as an older boy leans in and says briefly, "A cunt is another word for a vagina".
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I have a dream, a long dream, where a dick is growing out of my knee. Everyone can see it. I'm so ashamed. I am examined by doctors, and I beg them to remove it.